Thursday, September 1, 2011

...That Time I Married My Cousin

The first time my cousin Andrew and I did something outside family functions was on his 22nd birthday. We were both new-ish to Calgary.  I had yet to forge any real friendships and clearly Andrew hadn't either; as he was spending his birthday with only me.

We hit it off like we known each other our whole lives (we had) and before we knew it we shacked up together on New Years Day 2006. I'll always remember that day. 

My soon-to-be ex-roommate, we'll call him Jordan, had some unhealthy obsession with my neckties (side note: he also had an obsession with tanning beds, Dippity-Do hair gel and flexing in the mirror. Whenever I had a girl over he'd announce loudly that he was off to the gym or that he had such a great work out). Jordan would borrow steal my ties. One time while I was sleeping he tried to return his favorite tie of mine he borrowed stole. Jordan offered money for that tie over and over again. The day of the move he was offering $200.00 for it. I said "No." It drove him mental that I would not relent. He then offered to move my all stuff for me, -25°C, snowing on New Years Day. He had himself a deal, as I'm sure we both felt the other guy got suckered. I was glad to be rid of that dumb striped tie, to be moved for free and begin a new chapter with my cousin Andrew.

Proximity and being cousins made us default best friends. We rollerbladed everywhere, floated down Bow River after work, Andrew was my "Plus One" at office parties. 
Christmas 2005
We double dated,  double dated sisters, double dated cousins, had the same girl like us at different times and had the pleasure introducing each other to future ex-girlfriends. Whoever dated us when we had an inflatable raft instead of a couch must've, really, I mean really liked us ...or was just into rapids. 

Like an old married couple we ate in front of the TV, shared ice cream, cried at the end of Cast Away, trimmed each others neck hair, we bickered then tolerated one another until fun creeped back into our apartment.

One day after work there was a knock on the door. Andrew answered the door and began answering odd semi-personal questions. Intrigued I went to the door to find a Korean woman with a thick accent carrying a Canada Census ID card. She now included me in the conversation, in fact I noticed that she was including "we" in the questions, as in Andrew and I together. 

She then asked us "Are you planning on having children?" 

I reached for and held Andrew's hand replying "We're trying" as I smiled warmly at Andrew. Andrew though was not smiling and there was no warmth as he stared at me. Like a '90's sitcom I was saved by the bell when the phone rang, I left Andrew to continue with our Korean census lady friend. 

Andrew was not too thrilled about the stunt and he freely shared his thoughts on the matter.

The next day at work I told my my coworkers who all laughed, those who knew Andrew enjoyed the story even more. Andrew too relayed his experience to his coworkers. When we came home that evening he conceded that it was indeed funny.

I don't remember how it came about, but we realized something, we were more than roommates. In Canada it takes six month of living together to be common law spouses and of course same sex marriages are legal. Furthermore, in Alberta one can legally marry their first cousin. Andrew and I were  the worlds first cousin husbands, cousbands. Not everyone gets to coin a new word and I couldn't have done it without my cousband Andrew.

But like the girls who lost interest in us, we too moved on. It was for the best, as he was too handsome for me to compete against and I was too balding for him to compete against. Thankfully we're still friends and married to women we're not related to. 
2009 Ex-Cousbands, but still great friends.